Friday, May 17, 2013

One week since fill - so far so good

Well, Saturday will be one week since the fill, and things are well.

I have to remember to eat slower and chew.  I went back to not drinking anything while I'm eating, and that seems to really help.

In January I cancelled my gym membership, and this week we checked out a new gym and I'm ready to rock and roll as of tomorrow.  They have one room dedicated just to bikes - makes me very excited!  I love the bikes, and I can easily do 7 - 10 miles, so I'm pretty excited about that.

I have my next appointment in two weeks, and I'm pretty happy to place some focus on this.  Back to my original goal of getting below 200; I know I can do it.

- Until next time.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

First Fill Since October 2012

Yesterday I went in for my first fill since October 2012.

I have not been utilizing my lapband, and decided maybe it was time.

I've been having a hard time getting pregnant over the last year, and my husband and I haven't been in the best place, and I feel like I've been crazy lately; so I needed something to focus on and LapBand won.

I was fortunate that this time was my favorite doctor doing my fill (I've gotten a different doctor every single time I have gone in for a fill), and he is very easy to talk to.  So I voiced all of my concerns with lapband and why I haven't been going and he said he would take care of me (which made me laugh and think 'yea right' in my head); but he did.

I was in and out of my appointment in about a half hour (which is amazing compared to the other appointments I have gone through), and he found my port on first poke (hooray!).  He gave me a 1cc fill (which is larger than any other fill I've gotten), and said to come back in 4 weeks.  I had a really good experience at the appointment.

After the appointment, well, that's another story.  My family and I were headed out of town to celebrate early mother's day with my Mom and sister, and all was fine at first.

I did not eat before my appointment (I never do and always tell myself I should eat breakfast, but ultimately never do).  So we were meeting for lunch, and I sat down and ordered water and an alcoholic beverage (liquid diet right, lol); all was fine until the Mr. ordered an appetizer (my Mom and sister were running 45 minutes late), so I took a piece of Ahi and without even thinking, ate it like I would normally have eaten it.  That SO did not go over well.

For the rest of the meal (and I ordered soup), I could not eat.  I got up a few times to go to the restroom, and all my liquids kept coming up, and finally after 4 times, the tuna came up.  This is the first time this has EVER happened and it really freaked me out.

I went and walked around while my family ate the rest of their meal, and ended up at Jamba Juice where I got a fruit/veggie smoothie with some protein powder in it (and it went down fine and stayed down!).  We were supposed to go get pedicures, but I wasn't feeling too hot, so I chose to go home.

Came home, napped, and when I got up I wanted food so I had some beans mixed with ground beef and added some green sauce to it to make it thinner and that went down fine (plus a ton of protein, which I know I needed).  I stuck with water the rest of the night, and slept off and on all night.

Today I woke up really cranky, and I'm just not in the mood to deal with people (Happy Mother's Day right?).  I ate some more bean/meat/sauce concoction and it went down fine. 

I think this is the first fill that I actually feel a true difference in how I am eating.  When I first got the lapband, there were foods that were uncomfortable to eat (bread, rice, most pasta, mainly bread - I haven't had a sandwich in 2 years; crazy!), but now I'm noticing not only is it what I eat, but how I eat it.  I really need to focus on taking my time and taking small bites.  I love Ahi to death, but I can't eat a big piece with ginger's just not going to happen.

- Until next time.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Limited availability is crazy.

So, after talking to The Mister, we decided to just make another fill appointment.  We figured it would be good to utilize this tool I wanted almost two years ago, and try to talk to the doctor and voice my concerns.  I will have to talk to their business office and work out some sort of payment plan for the crazy $250 payment for a fill.

So today I called and the next available appointment is Tuesday, April 30th.

*cough cough* excuse me?

Brief back history - my LB doctor is based out of a metro area located 3 hours away (more if there's traffic).  They come up to an area about 45 minutes away from me every Tuesday and one Saturday per month.  So I used to schedule an appointment for the one Saturday a month, or if I wanted to see them more frequently, I would schedule a doctors' appointment leave at work and go on a Tuesday.

So I inquired about the weekly Tuesday visits; they no longer do that, they don't feel it's necessary.  So my choice is April 30th or May 11th.


I got a little frustrated, and instead of taking it out on anyone, I told her I would have to call them another time to schedule.

That's crazy.

It's bad enough that I am having so many doubts with this whole lap band thing; this makes it worse.  Now I can't even utilize this tool except two days per month that you see fit?  I know I may be over exaggerating, but it's so hard not to let this pull me down more about why I got the lap band to begin with.

I need a minute to cool off; very upset at how unavailable the support I'm supposed to have seems to be.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

I have lapband regrets.

I know it has been some time since I have posted; but too many things have been happening in my life.

I have fallen from the lapband path, and have also gained 11 pounds.

We had some deaths in the family, I have had some school triumphs, and we have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year now...nothing good came from any of it.

The last few months have really gotten me down about pregnancy; and every cycle I get makes me cry.  I have been emotional about everything, including my weight.

In December I went back and forth with my insurance, and now it's going to cost me $250 every time I want to go in for a fill.  They mentioned changes, and in October I went in for a fill; later receiving a bill for $250 - 2 months later.

My fill in October was not a good experience; as they never are.  When I got my lapband, they gave me a small port.  Due to this small port, every doctor that tries to give me a fill has a REALLY hard time finding my port.

So my fill days usually go like this:

Wake up early (as the appointment never fails to be any other time than 9 am), leave town near 8 am; drive 45 minutes to the doctor's office, check in, sit and wait for at least a half hour, then get seated in a room.  They check my weight, and almost always ask me if I'm having a hard time and/or if I would like to speak with a nutritionist (I'm either not losing weight, or I have gained a pound or two).  The doctor comes in and asks how I'm doing, and then tries to give me a fill.  It starts with the numbing poke, then I get anywhere from 5-10 pokes (which leave some massive bruising on my tummy for at least a week afterwards) within a 45 minute period for them to find my port (most times the doctor has to leave my room to assist other patients and he calls it 'taking a break').  Then I get a small fill because the doctors don't want to give you too big of a fill even after I explain this multiple hour process I have to go through every time.

So after the news of having to pay $250 every time for them to complete the above task; I just choose not to participate in the lap band process.

Yesterday is the first time I have weighed myself since October.  In October I weighed 200; I was SOOO close to being under 200, and just never accomplished it.  Yesterday I weighed in at 211.  I cried.  Then when I was eating dinner last night, I stopped half way through to cry some more.

Now anytime I eat, I just want to cry; and it is a really shitty feeling.  Or I can get through eating, but afterwards I want to cry (sometimes I do cry) knowing that I could have eaten better or made better choices.

The Mister and I spoke very briefly about lapband, but we cannot afford the $250 copay (basically is what it is), and it sucks.  Had I known this would have happened I either would have not had surgery, or chosen a different surgery path.

Not only am I gaining weight, I'm not getting pregnant (which is what I constantly told myself over the last year - that I was planning to get pregnant so my weight wasn't a huge concern), and I'm overall just very unhappy.  All of my unhappiness is spilling into other areas of my life, and I need to figure out my steps to fix it.

- Until next time.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

7 Months Out of the Loop

So much has happened in the last 7 months, and I have neglected not only my journal, but also my lap band.

I stopped using it.

I stopped going to the doctor.

I felt like nothing was changing, and went through tons of family changes.  In March my Grandmother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Terminal Cancer, and only a month later, she passed.

After April I went into a downward spiral, and just gave up.

My schooling fell short, my work was mediocre, and life was just blah.

I do believe I gave up on myself.

In June the Mister and I decided we were ready to try to have a baby.

That was my next reason to neglect my lap band.

It's not October, and I have yet to get pregnant.  I went to my doctor and learned that I will be on some medication that prevents me from being pregnant for the next three months; which means January is the earliest.

I held Little Ms' birthday party a few weeks ago and saw a photo of me that just made me look so round.  I have also gained 8 pounds since March, which is not good.

I have an appointment on Tuesday to talk to my doctor about pregnancy, and also to get a fill.

That photo, plus dealing with everything, and finally getting back to a good place in my life (emotionally), I'm ready to concur some of the physical.  I figure I have at least two months to get back on track, and probably longer if pregnancy doesn't happen right away.

I have been going to the gym again, which has been helpful, but my eating has gone to sh*t.  I'm hoping using my lap band will help me with that, and am ready to make some physical changes.

On the plus side, any weight loss should aid me in my goal of getting pregnant, since I am still over 200 pounds.

Glad to see those who were banded near me are doing so well, and hopefully I won't be such a stranger.

- Until next time.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Out of hiding...

It's been some time...and I'll admit that I have been avoiding, many things, my blog included.

I am still resting at 200...I did go down to 199, but then back up.  I feel like I fight myself within ten pounds.  Oh well.

I attempted a cleanse, and that just caused me to get pretty sick, and it was all bad.  Horrible half week (couldn't even make it through the week).

I was doing great with my workouts, then with getting sick (and you're not supposed to workout while cleansing), I've lost my groove.

The Mister and I still have our $100 bet that I can't get down 30 pounds (20 more to go) by April 1st.

My doctor doesn't think I need any fills, and it's really starting to piss me off.  For one, I'm paying the copay so you can tell me I don't need a fill?  For two, we all see me on this huge plateau...but hey, you're the doctor I guess.

I have been doing well with my eating, and I notice when I'm eating good and working out, I do go down in weight...then something happens and I either stop working out, or start eating horribly.  Amazing how well candy can go down, but I can't eat certain veggies to save my life.

I know my last fill (almost two months ago) did something, because since then I cannot eat bread, rice, and most pasta.  So I just steer clear of it these days.

Life on the other hand, is fabulous.  People have noticed I've lost weight.  I hosted a baby shower for a dear friend of mine, and there were people I haven't seen in a year or more, and everyone had a comment of how great I looked.  I guess deep down I was hoping for a more drastic change, but my face is substantially thinner, and I fit into a size smaller...which is hit or miss on the brand, but I'm taking it.

Schooling is stressful as always, and I am coming up on finals next week.  My work/professional life is amazing, and I truly love my job.  Family is awesome as ever, and we have a ton of events coming up (our one year wedding anniversary included).  Little Miss is doing well, and I am just really happy.  Losing weight or not, I am happy.  I know I have a ways to go, but am no longer stressed about it.

I will admit that I have been stuck in this baby mode for some time, and it has been decided that in June we will start trying to have a baby.  I know this is going to screw with my weight loss plans, but if I can drop anything really, I'll be happy.  I wanted to be at 150 when I get pregnant, and I think I could probably be down to 170.

My OB/GYN told me that even if I got pregnant, by watching what I eat, and doing light exercising, I should still be able to drop weight, and it would be that's a plus.

I'm off.  Decided to take a break from studying, and hold myself accountable for hiding from no one else than...myself.

I have been keeping up with blogs of those I follow, and you ladies are truly amazing.  I need to gather some of your inspiration, and make it happen.

- Until next time.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Well, the Mister and I have chosen June to start trying for a baby...I can do this.  Both lose the weight before, and actually have a kid/give birth (birth scares the bajeezes out of me).

The bad...I still haven't broken 200...damn you to myself.  I am right at 200.8-201.8 and getting really mad about it.  Maybe I need to get mad to actually do something about it.

The ugly...well, I'm having issues with my scars.  You can feel the amount of scar tissue under them, and they (all four) are raised.  It's so weird...not necessarily ugly, but very strange.

Things are well in our house, we've been crazy busy, but what would life be if it was easy as pie?  My classes started again, and so far it is going great!  I am really enjoying learning about social psychology, and I think if I don't go into teaching, I would love to go into social psychology research.

I have been maintaining my eating journal (which is not consistent for me), and that has been very helpful.  My next goal to add with that is instead of just writing everything (not only the good, but the crap I manage to fit in too), but to also add how I'm feeling or what's going on when I'm eating things that are not the best for me.

The Mister and I have noticed that when I focus on my food, I lose weight.  When I let loose of my sight on what I'm eating, then I gain a pound or two...and it takes longer to take off that pound or two than it does to put on.

All is well here.  I know keeping up with my journal hasn't been as consistent as I would like it to be, but I was really hoping I could put a number on here that was in the Hundreds and not the two-hundreds...oh well.

Next time!  This week I'll be out of town at a conference, and that scares me to tell you the truth.  Breakfast, lunch, and most dinners are hopefully we have some good options instead of all crap.  The Mister told me to hard boil some eggs and keep them in my hotel fridge, bring my oatmeal and  yogurt, so that way I know my breakfast will be taken care of.  Good thing is that I will have a car while I'm down there, so if they're serving crap, then I can go to the market one night after the meetings and get some things of my own.

- Until next time.