Fill One- Complete

Two months and 11 days after surgery, I went in for my first fill.

I gained 1 pound, but I knew that when I got there.  As I prepared for the hour long drive to my doctor's office, I did my morning weigh in, and it didn't even phase me that I had gained a pound.  I knew due to what I was eating, with my birthday I kind of threw all eating notes out the window (which you shouldn't do, but it had been so long since I had done it).

I was surprised at how fast I was in and out of there, usually I have to wait around forever for my doctor, but not yesterday.  I got in, they had me lay down with my hands behind my head, and they gave me a numbing shot.  The shot felt like nothing, but then once they go to pull it out, it has a burning sensation.

The doctor said it's normal, he's not sure why, but everyone says that.  So then he puts in the needle to fill, but he can't find the spot on the port.  We tried everything.  I was laying down, I was sitting up, I was standing, and then again, we tried laying down.  He poked me in four different spots, before finally locating the "golden area" so to speak.

Once he found the spot for fill, he had me sit up and begin to drink water.  We did it about three times, and he said we were done.  It was a weird sensation though.  When he did the first start of filling I felt like bubbles going up my throat, it was weird.

He ended up putting 2.5 cc's in my band, but said he thought I could have used more.  I'm not sure if I could have, but his office is closed all of next week, and this being my first fill right before thanksgiving, I'm glad we stopped.  I couldn't imagine if it was too tight, and then I'd have to wait over a week to go see him - no thanks.

All day yesterday after my fill I had horrible gas - I could not stop burping.  The Mister kept saying they sounded like angry burps haha.  I had no problem eating, but I did pay attention to feeling full or not.  I tried not to eat too much anyway, cause we weren't at home.

I went to the gym by myself the other day, which is new.  Typically I only go with The Mister, but with our schedules being so crazy, we never have time to go together.  I noticed I was using it as an excuse, that I wasn't going to the gym because we didn't have time.  I had time, I just wasn't going.  So now, I'm going by myself.

I am very excited to see how things go, as I feel like my first fill is the start to this adventure (event though I know surgery was, it seems like ages ago).  Very excited over here.

- Until next time.

It's like I never got banded - until I burp

Today I realized a few things regarding my band.

1. I don't feel like I even went through the surgery (although my surgery was only 2 months ago)
2. I know I went through my surgery because when I do have to burp, it feels so much different than it used to...and I have "gas" that gets stuck, and it hurts more when I can't burp.
3. I know that until I go in for a fill, I'm basically doing all of this on my own; and I really can't wait until the 19th for my 1st fill.
4. Laying on my stomach is very uncomfortable where my port is.
5. I can feel my port anytime of any day, and it freaks the Mister out.

There are other things, but those are the most frequent.  I am proud of myself that I am either staying the same weight or losing, but am frustrated that it's not consistent (the losing).

There are things I should be doing to help myself, but am not.  I am still not 100% on an eating schedule, although I am up to 3 meals per day with usually only 1 snack.  I am almost every day drinking at least 8 glasses of water, which is great. 

I am not getting daily exercise, and that has got to change.  Today I picked up my Kinect (yeay, I love it so far!) as well as Just Dance 3 which is a pretty good workout.  We also have another game, but both get me moving and grooving.  That is a plus. 

The Mister and I agreed that I will pack a gym bag and on my way home from work I will go to the gym.  I hate going to the gym after work, but on Tuesday and Thursday I have been getting off before 4 pm, which hopefully means there isn't going to be the "after work" crowd.

I should be eating more vegetables.  I get adequate amounts of protein (which is harder than I ever thought it would be), but when I'm still hungry, I lean towards starches.  I need to attempt to lean towards veggies until I can get to my goal weight.

This is an ongoing process, but at times I still feel as if I am failing, and it hurts my ego.  I have my on going to-do lists and what not, but now I need to keep a goal list, and maybe bribe myself.  If I can complete such and such goal, I get xyz (whatever it is I list).  I just might do that. 

Hope everyone has a splendid holiday weekend (or regular weekend if you don't have the holiday off). 

-Until next time.

It's been almost 2 weeks...

Almost 2 weeks since my last post.

I have been feeling great, and then mad, then great, then mad.  There are many things going on in my life lately; which is probably the cause of the ups and downs of emotions.

Lap Band first- things are fine.  I am down to 203.6 in the past two weeks, but I only have 3ish pounds to go before I'm in the 190's...I need to do this for myself.  Since I missed my first fill date, my next fill date/first fill is due on Saturday, November 19th.  My birthday is on the 16th, so it's convenient that I get to celebrate one last birthday fill-less.  I don't like cake, so it'll probably be ice cream.

I am glad that I have maintained and even lost a small percent, but then sometimes I get really upset at myself that I should be trying harder and I'm not putting forth full effort.

This weekend I have accepted ZERO work to take home.  I don't get paid for it, so I'm making full effort to no longer bring it home.  Four days of no work; at all.  One of my goals this weekend is to manage my time for the next week, and tweak it as it needs to be.

This includes my work schedule, eating, time with the family, and gym.  I feel like I've been avoiding the gym like the plague, and I need to embrace it like a bad habit.

I have been completely stuck in baby mode the last few months, and I need to hold myself to the goal I set.  I made a deal with myself and the Mister that we wouldn't get pregnant until I lost 50 pounds.  That's not that far away.  Another deal we talked about was waiting until next summer, which could potentially put me at my goal weight of 130/140...

We'll see what happens; but I'm hoping to drop 50 before it does.

Work is crazy busy, I got my first teaching assignment,  and I'm SUPER excited.  I'll be teaching a 5 week Customer Service class at the local Junior College...I just have to prep for the classes.  Classes start on Tuesday, and I can use the extra money right before Christmas.

- Until next time.

Another Week - First Fill - Didn't Happen

Last week I was a mess.  All over the place, and it really made me get back into a new mindset.

This week has been extremely busy, and I'm glad to finally have a day off.  Yesterday (Saturday 10/22) I had a doctor's appointment for my first fill at 9:45 am.  The appointment was about an hour away, and I slept right through it.

I can't believe I missed my doctor's appointment.  It was my fault, for not hearing my alarm, and also The Mister's, since he wanted me to sleep in and helped me by turning off the alarm.  I woke up at 20 till 11, and was again, mad at myself.

Oh well, I have to reschedule, and I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up about it.  I know they do fills every Tuesday, but was trying not to miss any work.  They only do Saturday fills once a month...and I missed it.  =/

I'll call on Monday.  I should have called yesterday, but was so embarrassed. 

In other news - my professor dropped me from my class, and I found out yesterday.  Way to drop the ball on that as well.  I'm hoping it is for the best.  With the holidays and birthdays over the next few weeks, part of me thinks it may be a good thing.  Also with my new job, I've been working crazy hours.  I'll be calling the school on Monday as well.

Yesterday was my Mother's 60th birthday, and we threw her a surprise party - it turned out so nice! 

I did my weight in yesterday morning and I'm down 2 pounds (from the 3 I put on)...yeay!  I decided I should put my current weight, so that everyone knows where I'm at and what's going on.  Yesterday I weighed in at 206.2.  Hopefully next week I can be down, I'm hoping 203, but we'll see.  With no school on my mind, I should be able to also focus on my workouts.

Best of luck to everyone, cause I know I need it lately.

- Until next time.

And the tears flowed.

Yesterday was an emotional day.

Yesterday was the most emotional day I've had yet.

I now understand today, why yesterday was so bad, but here's my day:

I was able to wake up around 9:30 am after going to bed at 4:30 am.  I had been up all night baking cakes and cake pops for my nephews' birthday party.  2 cakes, 35 cake pops, and I have a picture somewhere, but they came out adorable.

I was rushing all morning.  My to-do list before the party included completing the baked goods, shower, and also do Little Ms' hair.  Little Ms. tried to stay out of my way, cause I was cranky, and I feel bad now of my pushing her out of the kitchen so aggressively.  It was 5 till 1 pm and that's when the party started, and I still had to put the cakes together.  So there was no shower, and The Mister threw Little Ms' hair up in a pony tail.

We went to my brother's house, started assembling everything, and it all came together so well.  People would walk in and watch me putting the cakes together, and I spent the first 45 minutes of the party putting these two 3-tiered cakes together.

After that I ate, went outside, and for whatever reason just felt very alone.  I helped with the pictures, did the cake and cake pops, helped with present opening.  Then it was done, and I wasn't needed.  I felt like I wasn't talked to after that.  I just felt, alone.  I don't know why, and there were tons of people there, but I was uncomfortable, and just felt awkward.

We had another party we had to attend, and The Mister and I talked about not going because I was so tired and I hadn't showered.  Little Ms. already had plans to stay the night at her grandma's house, so we weren't sure what we were going to do.

I kind of sat there listening to conversations, and was able to talk with family, while hearing all of the drunk people who managed to huddle and get loud and aggressive with their words, and it just made me feel more uncomfortable as well as more alone.  So weird, I'm aware.

I walked over to the Mister and he was huddled with the guys, and they were talking about how vicious the girls were getting, and I hinted towards the Mister that I was ready to go.  He didn't see any of them.  I then noticed that Little Ms. wasn't playing with the other kids, she was playing by herself with the puppies.  I asked if everything was ok, and she said the other kids fight a lot, yell , scream, and hit each other, and she didn't want to play with them.  My heart sank.

I walked over to The Mister, told him I was leaving, asked if he wanted to go with me.  I was so frustrated when I left, and then when I was leaving, no one noticed.  I said bye, got maybe one or two waves from the 30+ people, and it really got to me.

We left, came home, Little Ms. grabbed some overnight stuff for Grandma's house, and we left.  I didn't want to go, but The Mister had been drinking (even though he said he wasn't going to) and couldn't take her by himself.  So we went, his parents were looking at pictures, and I felt like his Dad was staring at me like he knew something was wrong the entire time.

As we left, we didn't talk about much.  I was cranky, moody, and a little mad about how the day turned out.  The Mister said going to the other party wasn't an option- which then made me more mad since it was for one of my girlfriends.  As I was driving home, there's a bridge in town we go over, and one side of the road stops, the other does not.  For whatever reason, I thought they both did.  I stopped at the stop sign, then started going, without waiting for through traffic to pass.  We almost got hit, it would have been right at the driver's door, and it was pretty scary.

I didn't freak out, all I said was 'sorry, I forgot they don't stop' and the Mister had a face of- wtf.  As we continued driving, I just started crying.  Horribly crying.  The Mister asked what was wrong, and I said nothing, and I didn't know.

We got home, I took a shower, did some homework, the Mister didnt' talk to me, and I ended up taking a nap from 7 pm - 10 pm.  The Mister left for work around 10:30, and I was up all night.  I was hungry from not eating dinner, so instead of figuring something out at home, I had McDonald's.

The line was long, and I thought about leaving the drive through multiple times because I felt guilty just being there, but didn't.  I had a 10 piece chicken nugget, french fries, and an ice tea.  Instant gratification.

Then I came home...and cried again.

Today, I am better.  I realize yesterday I was just overwhelmed.  I have been so busy lately that I haven't stopped to smell the roses so to speak.  I haven't been able to appreciate much of anything lately, and that makes me feel guilty.

The party, I still have mixed feelings.  I know when we got there, I felt overwhelmed.  Then once the cakes were done, I felt invisible.  I felt under appreciated, and was hoping to spend better quality time with my family.  Instead everyone was drinking, and within the first three hours, they were all drunk...my husband included.  The Mister made me mad because he was drinking- don't tell me you're not going to if you don't plan to stick to your word.

I have my own issues, and I'm aware that the majority of yesterday was all in my head.  Almost getting hit sent my emotions overboard and just started crying.  I'm glad we did not get hit, that we just got the horn honked at us and a truck flipping us off- I think if they would have hit us without slowing down/stopping we would be screwed and possibly not be here today.

I need to manage my time better.  I need to make time for myself and my family.  I need to stop overbooking myself, and stop to smell the roses.  I really need to not run to food when I get emotional.  I don't even like McDonald's, but it was either that or Jack-in-the-box because of how late it was- and well, chicken nuggets sounded better to me.

The Mister came home from work this morning and saw the bags- he was very disappointed...and I was really embarrassed.  I'm having my own issues with my weight since I have gained 1.5 pounds over the last two weeks.  I am so mad and disappointed with myself that I go to food.  I don't know what to do with myself lately.

- Until next time.

Disneyland.

The family and I made a trip to Disneyland over the weekend for Little Ms.'s 6th birthday.  It was nice, and although I'm not a fan of Disneyland, we all had a blast.

I worried about eating trends and myself; and talked to The Mister about it.  Every time I've ever been to an amusement park, I look forward to the crap.  The stuff you don't make at home.  The churros, funnel cake, cotton candy, etc. etc. etc.

The Mister came up with a game plan that I could pick one and we as a family would share the one serving.  I would get my fix of the taste while not over doing it.  We actually stuck to the plan.  I was surprised.  We all shared one churro, and that was our sweet tooth fix.  We had some chicken for lunch (they had other stuff too, but I had chicken and beans), and drank water all day.

We got to snack on fruit (it was nice that they offer healthy options, kind of surprised me), and we also brought in some snacks of our own.  Although it was an expensive day, Little Ms. had the time of her life.  We spent most of the day hunting down characters so that she could get their autograph and a photo; but that's what made it special to her.

The Mister and I were supposed to hit the gym today after work, but he wasn't feeling well, and my classes just started today so I've been bombarded with school work.  I think I'm just going to take my gym clothes to work, and instead of coming straight home, go straight to the gym.

I'm off to do more school work.  I have tons of reading to do.

- Until next time.

It's October...and I haven't posted in 10 days =/

October is here...and in full swing.

My life has turned crazy busy, and will continue to be swamped until after the new year.  I guess it's good to be busy, but I just have been feeling very overwhelmed.

I weighed myself Friday morning, and have gone up 0.8 pounds...almost an entire pound.  I have also started using the gym 4-6 times per week (the first week was 6, and this last week was only 4 due to schedule conflicts).  I told my husband I hope it's the gym, but it could be my eating.

Although I can eat basically whatever I want, I try not to.  I haven't been eating as strictly to my eating plan and diet as I was before I started working three days a week.  Work is my biggest issue with my eating, and I have vocalized to all of my peers at work that I am trying to stick to an eating schedule and an eating plan, that if they see me try to go off track to stop me.  Now that it's out in the open, hopefully it'll be easier. 

I've also set alarms on my phone to go off, in case I am busy, I know it's time for my protein shake or whatever it may be.  I hope that works out.

Today I went and put a kinect on layaway.  Although it's only $150, I don't have it right now, but I had $20 lol.  We went to pay on our daughter's Christmas gifts, and the lady in front of us had one, so I decided to get one as well.  I get paid on Friday and am hoping to pay in full then, but we'll have to see what our bills are looking like.

I despise the holiday season for the amount of money everything seems to cost.  It seems like every October our bills get crazy, then we're catching up November & December, then behind again because of Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

I also ordered Billy Blanks PT 24/7 workout system for myself and The Mister.  Who knows when I'll get it, since it didn't tell me until after I completed my order that it's back ordered.  If I would have known that, I would have bought it from Amazon or even Ebay.  Oh well, I should have known better, but hopefully before November I'll get it.

The Mister has been very supportive of me, and has been joining me at the gym, so that's been great.  I've been sweating my butt off and I feel like it's not doing anything.  One of the girls I work with told me I'm not getting enough cardio, which could be true.  That's part of the reason I decided on the Kinect.  She does Zumba at the gym, but I figured I could do it at home, and still go to the gym and hopefully we'll see some better results. 

My husband also mentioned that my face looks thinner; but I'm not seeing that yet.  I've only taken one photo, and I feel that I look exactly the same since that photo.  I had a goal of getting under 200 pounds before I was approved to start working out, and that didn't happen (I also got approved to start working out before I thought I would) but now I want to drop this last few pounds before the 22nd (my first fill).

I guess I want to show the doctor that I'm really trying.  If I went in right now, I'd be up in weight (not even an entire pound, but still).  I guess it's a bit of a bummer to drop 16 pounds like I was holding it in my hand, and then to plateau for what seems like forever, it sucks. 

I'm off.  I have some things to finish while Little Ms. is with her Mom.  We pick her up tomorrow and we're taking her away on an overnight trip.  Her birthday is Monday and she's never been to Disneyland- so that's where we're taking her =)  I'm really excited, not so much for Disneyland (because I really don't like that theme park vs. the others near it), but for her face and reactions and seeing the characters.  It is going to be awesome!

- Until next time.