Friday, April 19, 2013

Limited availability is crazy.

So, after talking to The Mister, we decided to just make another fill appointment.  We figured it would be good to utilize this tool I wanted almost two years ago, and try to talk to the doctor and voice my concerns.  I will have to talk to their business office and work out some sort of payment plan for the crazy $250 payment for a fill.

So today I called and the next available appointment is Tuesday, April 30th.

*cough cough* excuse me?

Brief back history - my LB doctor is based out of a metro area located 3 hours away (more if there's traffic).  They come up to an area about 45 minutes away from me every Tuesday and one Saturday per month.  So I used to schedule an appointment for the one Saturday a month, or if I wanted to see them more frequently, I would schedule a doctors' appointment leave at work and go on a Tuesday.

So I inquired about the weekly Tuesday visits; they no longer do that, they don't feel it's necessary.  So my choice is April 30th or May 11th.


I got a little frustrated, and instead of taking it out on anyone, I told her I would have to call them another time to schedule.

That's crazy.

It's bad enough that I am having so many doubts with this whole lap band thing; this makes it worse.  Now I can't even utilize this tool except two days per month that you see fit?  I know I may be over exaggerating, but it's so hard not to let this pull me down more about why I got the lap band to begin with.

I need a minute to cool off; very upset at how unavailable the support I'm supposed to have seems to be.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

I have lapband regrets.

I know it has been some time since I have posted; but too many things have been happening in my life.

I have fallen from the lapband path, and have also gained 11 pounds.

We had some deaths in the family, I have had some school triumphs, and we have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year now...nothing good came from any of it.

The last few months have really gotten me down about pregnancy; and every cycle I get makes me cry.  I have been emotional about everything, including my weight.

In December I went back and forth with my insurance, and now it's going to cost me $250 every time I want to go in for a fill.  They mentioned changes, and in October I went in for a fill; later receiving a bill for $250 - 2 months later.

My fill in October was not a good experience; as they never are.  When I got my lapband, they gave me a small port.  Due to this small port, every doctor that tries to give me a fill has a REALLY hard time finding my port.

So my fill days usually go like this:

Wake up early (as the appointment never fails to be any other time than 9 am), leave town near 8 am; drive 45 minutes to the doctor's office, check in, sit and wait for at least a half hour, then get seated in a room.  They check my weight, and almost always ask me if I'm having a hard time and/or if I would like to speak with a nutritionist (I'm either not losing weight, or I have gained a pound or two).  The doctor comes in and asks how I'm doing, and then tries to give me a fill.  It starts with the numbing poke, then I get anywhere from 5-10 pokes (which leave some massive bruising on my tummy for at least a week afterwards) within a 45 minute period for them to find my port (most times the doctor has to leave my room to assist other patients and he calls it 'taking a break').  Then I get a small fill because the doctors don't want to give you too big of a fill even after I explain this multiple hour process I have to go through every time.

So after the news of having to pay $250 every time for them to complete the above task; I just choose not to participate in the lap band process.

Yesterday is the first time I have weighed myself since October.  In October I weighed 200; I was SOOO close to being under 200, and just never accomplished it.  Yesterday I weighed in at 211.  I cried.  Then when I was eating dinner last night, I stopped half way through to cry some more.

Now anytime I eat, I just want to cry; and it is a really shitty feeling.  Or I can get through eating, but afterwards I want to cry (sometimes I do cry) knowing that I could have eaten better or made better choices.

The Mister and I spoke very briefly about lapband, but we cannot afford the $250 copay (basically is what it is), and it sucks.  Had I known this would have happened I either would have not had surgery, or chosen a different surgery path.

Not only am I gaining weight, I'm not getting pregnant (which is what I constantly told myself over the last year - that I was planning to get pregnant so my weight wasn't a huge concern), and I'm overall just very unhappy.  All of my unhappiness is spilling into other areas of my life, and I need to figure out my steps to fix it.

- Until next time.