Yesterday was an emotional day.
Yesterday was the most emotional day I've had yet.
I now understand today, why yesterday was so bad, but here's my day:
I was able to wake up around 9:30 am after going to bed at 4:30 am. I had been up all night baking cakes and cake pops for my nephews' birthday party. 2 cakes, 35 cake pops, and I have a picture somewhere, but they came out adorable.
I was rushing all morning. My to-do list before the party included completing the baked goods, shower, and also do Little Ms' hair. Little Ms. tried to stay out of my way, cause I was cranky, and I feel bad now of my pushing her out of the kitchen so aggressively. It was 5 till 1 pm and that's when the party started, and I still had to put the cakes together. So there was no shower, and The Mister threw Little Ms' hair up in a pony tail.
We went to my brother's house, started assembling everything, and it all came together so well. People would walk in and watch me putting the cakes together, and I spent the first 45 minutes of the party putting these two 3-tiered cakes together.
After that I ate, went outside, and for whatever reason just felt very alone. I helped with the pictures, did the cake and cake pops, helped with present opening. Then it was done, and I wasn't needed. I felt like I wasn't talked to after that. I just felt, alone. I don't know why, and there were tons of people there, but I was uncomfortable, and just felt awkward.
We had another party we had to attend, and The Mister and I talked about not going because I was so tired and I hadn't showered. Little Ms. already had plans to stay the night at her grandma's house, so we weren't sure what we were going to do.
I kind of sat there listening to conversations, and was able to talk with family, while hearing all of the drunk people who managed to huddle and get loud and aggressive with their words, and it just made me feel more uncomfortable as well as more alone. So weird, I'm aware.
I walked over to the Mister and he was huddled with the guys, and they were talking about how vicious the girls were getting, and I hinted towards the Mister that I was ready to go. He didn't see any of them. I then noticed that Little Ms. wasn't playing with the other kids, she was playing by herself with the puppies. I asked if everything was ok, and she said the other kids fight a lot, yell , scream, and hit each other, and she didn't want to play with them. My heart sank.
I walked over to The Mister, told him I was leaving, asked if he wanted to go with me. I was so frustrated when I left, and then when I was leaving, no one noticed. I said bye, got maybe one or two waves from the 30+ people, and it really got to me.
We left, came home, Little Ms. grabbed some overnight stuff for Grandma's house, and we left. I didn't want to go, but The Mister had been drinking (even though he said he wasn't going to) and couldn't take her by himself. So we went, his parents were looking at pictures, and I felt like his Dad was staring at me like he knew something was wrong the entire time.
As we left, we didn't talk about much. I was cranky, moody, and a little mad about how the day turned out. The Mister said going to the other party wasn't an option- which then made me more mad since it was for one of my girlfriends. As I was driving home, there's a bridge in town we go over, and one side of the road stops, the other does not. For whatever reason, I thought they both did. I stopped at the stop sign, then started going, without waiting for through traffic to pass. We almost got hit, it would have been right at the driver's door, and it was pretty scary.
I didn't freak out, all I said was 'sorry, I forgot they don't stop' and the Mister had a face of- wtf. As we continued driving, I just started crying. Horribly crying. The Mister asked what was wrong, and I said nothing, and I didn't know.
We got home, I took a shower, did some homework, the Mister didnt' talk to me, and I ended up taking a nap from 7 pm - 10 pm. The Mister left for work around 10:30, and I was up all night. I was hungry from not eating dinner, so instead of figuring something out at home, I had McDonald's.
The line was long, and I thought about leaving the drive through multiple times because I felt guilty just being there, but didn't. I had a 10 piece chicken nugget, french fries, and an ice tea. Instant gratification.
Then I came home...and cried again.
Today, I am better. I realize yesterday I was just overwhelmed. I have been so busy lately that I haven't stopped to smell the roses so to speak. I haven't been able to appreciate much of anything lately, and that makes me feel guilty.
The party, I still have mixed feelings. I know when we got there, I felt overwhelmed. Then once the cakes were done, I felt invisible. I felt under appreciated, and was hoping to spend better quality time with my family. Instead everyone was drinking, and within the first three hours, they were all drunk...my husband included. The Mister made me mad because he was drinking- don't tell me you're not going to if you don't plan to stick to your word.
I have my own issues, and I'm aware that the majority of yesterday was all in my head. Almost getting hit sent my emotions overboard and just started crying. I'm glad we did not get hit, that we just got the horn honked at us and a truck flipping us off- I think if they would have hit us without slowing down/stopping we would be screwed and possibly not be here today.
I need to manage my time better. I need to make time for myself and my family. I need to stop overbooking myself, and stop to smell the roses. I really need to not run to food when I get emotional. I don't even like McDonald's, but it was either that or Jack-in-the-box because of how late it was- and well, chicken nuggets sounded better to me.
The Mister came home from work this morning and saw the bags- he was very disappointed...and I was really embarrassed. I'm having my own issues with my weight since I have gained 1.5 pounds over the last two weeks. I am so mad and disappointed with myself that I go to food. I don't know what to do with myself lately.
- Until next time.