I have lapband regrets.

I know it has been some time since I have posted; but too many things have been happening in my life.

I have fallen from the lapband path, and have also gained 11 pounds.

We had some deaths in the family, I have had some school triumphs, and we have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year now...nothing good came from any of it.

The last few months have really gotten me down about pregnancy; and every cycle I get makes me cry.  I have been emotional about everything, including my weight.

In December I went back and forth with my insurance, and now it's going to cost me $250 every time I want to go in for a fill.  They mentioned changes, and in October I went in for a fill; later receiving a bill for $250 - 2 months later.

My fill in October was not a good experience; as they never are.  When I got my lapband, they gave me a small port.  Due to this small port, every doctor that tries to give me a fill has a REALLY hard time finding my port.

So my fill days usually go like this:

Wake up early (as the appointment never fails to be any other time than 9 am), leave town near 8 am; drive 45 minutes to the doctor's office, check in, sit and wait for at least a half hour, then get seated in a room.  They check my weight, and almost always ask me if I'm having a hard time and/or if I would like to speak with a nutritionist (I'm either not losing weight, or I have gained a pound or two).  The doctor comes in and asks how I'm doing, and then tries to give me a fill.  It starts with the numbing poke, then I get anywhere from 5-10 pokes (which leave some massive bruising on my tummy for at least a week afterwards) within a 45 minute period for them to find my port (most times the doctor has to leave my room to assist other patients and he calls it 'taking a break').  Then I get a small fill because the doctors don't want to give you too big of a fill even after I explain this multiple hour process I have to go through every time.

So after the news of having to pay $250 every time for them to complete the above task; I just choose not to participate in the lap band process.

Yesterday is the first time I have weighed myself since October.  In October I weighed 200; I was SOOO close to being under 200, and just never accomplished it.  Yesterday I weighed in at 211.  I cried.  Then when I was eating dinner last night, I stopped half way through to cry some more.

Now anytime I eat, I just want to cry; and it is a really shitty feeling.  Or I can get through eating, but afterwards I want to cry (sometimes I do cry) knowing that I could have eaten better or made better choices.

The Mister and I spoke very briefly about lapband, but we cannot afford the $250 copay (basically is what it is), and it sucks.  Had I known this would have happened I either would have not had surgery, or chosen a different surgery path.

Not only am I gaining weight, I'm not getting pregnant (which is what I constantly told myself over the last year - that I was planning to get pregnant so my weight wasn't a huge concern), and I'm overall just very unhappy.  All of my unhappiness is spilling into other areas of my life, and I need to figure out my steps to fix it.

- Until next time.